Tuesday, October 21, 2008

speaking out my heart

To some of us, it's difficult to express ourselves. Sometimes and most especially to our immediate family members, it is difficult to tell them that we love them, how special they are to us, how much they mean to us.

Most of the time we find ourselves in repentance for not expressing what's in our minds and hearts.

Most of the time saying I love you to the special people in our lives doesn't have meaning anymore...for they've already left us permanently...

Just this morning, I received a message from one of my closest friends...his boyfriend passed away. Too sudden...yes...quite drastic too.

After hearing from her the details of the accident, I felt more sad...sad because he was also my friend but more sad because of the manner of his death. He was one of the persons I didn't give much attention to. He was “insignificant” to me. He was just another guy, he was just the boyfriend of my friend. It never occurred to me that I'll be saddened by his death. I cried a bit.

The news this morning brought back memories of a just recent event in my life. July of this year, my father passed away, 4 days before my youngest brother's birthday, 17 days before my birthday. Tragic as well, he was shot close range, the bullet entering his left chest, got through his heart, exited at the right side of his stomach. I never thought he would die that way. Everything went too fast.

Yes, everything went too fast. He wasn't able to play with his only grandson (he has 3 granddaughters from my brother). My son was too small yet when my father was with us. He left us on October 2007, to live in the province with our mother. We, my family, were looking forward to visiting them this year, maybe spend Christmas there, so he can play and enjoy the company of his grandson – that will never happen anymore.

I wasn't able to talk to him heart to heart, to get mad at him, to thank him and to tell him how much I loved him.

My father and I weren't close to each other. I was stubborn for him, I do my ways, which he didn't like in me. I often defend our relationship as - I was actually his mirror image...physically (except that I'm female) and in character – that's why we clashed many times.

But deep inside, I knew he loved me. I knew the reasons why he was strict with me, why he often scolds me. He wanted me to be a better person. He loves me.

To my Papang...wherever you are, I know this is not too late...I LOVE YOU

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